Spiritual Women Who Love Men DO Have a Responsibility to Heal Them

Before you come for my feminist card- hear me out. Like many modern women, I am often exhausted by the societal expectation that befalls women who have a serious partner or husband and children- that I must keep track of the to-do list, appointments, birthdays, shopping, remember to take things out for dinner, remember the laundry in the dryer my son started 2 hours ago, remind the others that the dog needs attention so he’ll stop getting into the trash…all on top of work, school, hobbies. Balancing my own mental and physical health against the requirements of my family feels like a tightrope on any given day. I believe that someone else’s lack of emotional intelligence or inability to consider me in a romantic relationship is not part of my responsibility. I believe that women should elevate their expectations and withdraw their labor when it is not appreciated and reciprocated. I believe we are not rehabilitation centers sent to heal broken men so they can leave us far worse than they found us- depleted and bitter after they’re all better from our energy, time and resources.

But the fact of the matter is- we have a Red Pill problem because women have also been failing men.

Not in the trad-wife way. Not because we want careers or don’t want children. You do you girl- chase what makes you happy and never settle for less. Especially for a man.

But because somewhere along the way, these messed up, broken or confused men became that way because another woman failed them. Usually their mothers. Either from neglect, abuse or failing to check their ego and set reasonable boundaries.

If you happen to be one of the lucky women who form romantic relationships with men that has found a man who consistently shows up, (even if he’s not perfect) or tries to make you happy (even if he seems bumbling and stupid with his attempts)…you do have a responsibility to recognize his humanity and honor him on his own path to healing, enlightenment and learning to love himself as much as he is learning how to love others. 

I have known this for a long time. And truthfully, that knowing without proper discernment in my 20’s cost me a lot of heartache and wasted time on men who did not deserve it. But the understanding and integration of that knowledge happened last night in my partner’s bedroom. 

The backstory here is that we have been together for years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. My partner has avoidant behaviors, is neurodivergent and has unrealized trauma triggers. Historically, he runs and I chase. He is incredibly smart, respectful and adores all women. He cares about autonomy for everyone, to the point that it can impede our partnership at times. He withdraws when he is overwhelmed, he acts aloof. Sometimes it is like dating another person. When his cup is full, he is patient and doting. When it is empty he is easily agitated, repulsed by physical touch and struggles to provide conversation about anything intimate or emotional. This has led to resentment, screaming matches and a break-up cycle that was hell for over 2 years. I loathed his inconsistency and sometimes fell victim to the pop psychology phrases from Instagram such as “if he wanted to, he would.” This fueled my drive to protect myself. I accused him of not knowing what love is, even going so far as to call him a “fuck boy” who indulges in “future faking.” I’ve reduced him to tears as he trembles, yelling about how he can’t do anything right for me no matter how hard he tries. 

For a while during this cycle, I even met that broken desperation with accusations of narcissism and gaslighting. This only caused him to shut down further.

And don’t even get me started on two autistics trying to fix their miscommunications about sex.

Last night we had a special date planned. By the end of the day, he was withdrawn and unable to communicate with me in any reassuring way that he wanted to have this date. He was determined not to let me down and willing to push himself to have sex he didn’t want in order to fulfill his promise to me that we would have this time together. He had placed so much pressure on himself, that he was projecting energy that was anything but intimate. I felt anxiety in my gut. I hesitated about allowing this date to continue. He insisted everything was fine.

But I am attuned with myself, and with him. I made a commitment months ago to fix this relationship and it was my turn to show up for him- regardless of his denial. I knew what I felt. And because I have developed my discernment through my spiritual practice, as well as chosen to see and believe that he loves me and wants to make me happy- I knew it was my turn to meet him with my higher self. My flesh and all of its desires were secondary to this opportunity to build trust, provide reassurance and create safety between us. Sex could happen another time.

Eventually, with gentle coaxing, he confessed he was not up for the activities. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he was exhausted. Working himself up into the fear of potentially disappointing me and building more resentment between us, his tone wasn’t soft like mine. It was not sweet. It was sharp and defensive. 

I turned off my ego and my physical ears, and I opened up my heart. I even placed my hand on his heart and reassured him that I am here, I care about his happiness just as much as mine and I was not upset- I was trying to love him.

I also emphasized that despite however we choose to make love or fuck, my pussy is sacred. He is not welcome to enter my body holding in these emotions and inserting them into me. That was not what I wanted, nor would it be ethical. If the genders were reversed-it would be deeply disturbing if I could see he was not enthusiastic about our plans and did them anyway, simply because he was willing to- his motivation being to avoid potentially bad results later. That is never okay.

He softened. Not into my arms with tears of relief, not with sweet kisses or words of love. That’s not usually how men soften. He let his eyes get watery and he stayed, rather than withdrawing. We sat in the quiet together, hands touching because I insisted he put his hand in mine to solidify the bond was still intact. 

I could deal with my disappointment later, this moment was bigger than temporary hurt feelings or physical release. This moment was about healing something in him that I had scarred, but was there long before he met me. I gave him the option without an unpleasant tone:

What do you need?

Would you like to be alone for the night?

Would you like to just relax together?

Because I had taken the time to accommodate his nervous system and recognize his humanity, rather than beat him up emotionally for not meeting my expectations- he chose to spend the rest of his evening watching stupid television with me, snuggled up and laughing.

There will be moments that pausing to change our energy, our perspective - can entirely change the situation and, over time, the relationship. Merely choosing to believe that whatever is going on with the man in our life and his weird behavior- is because he loves us and he’s lost- shifts our reality. He's scared. He’s uncertain. He’s vulnerable in ways we may not even be aware of. Too often, our need to protect ourselves as women results in us unleashing feminine rage which deepens those fears, anxieties and emotional trenches for our partners. 

Men, deep down, want so badly to make us happy and to feel that they deserve our love. We’re often too convinced that they do not- that we make sure they can’t attain it when they need it most. 

Spiritually grounded women have a responsibility to attend to those needs, when we can. While I recognize that not everyone deserves our labor and our softness in this way…I have to ask you sister…

If he doesn’t deserve it…why are you with him?

Are you waiting for him to change?

How’s meeting him with ego, reactivity and aggression working out for you?

He has been disconnected from the feminine his entire life, and in many cases, deeply wounded by her. If you don’t want to heal him as part of our collective consciousness- that’s fine! But don’t stick around to deepen both of your wounds. Pick a door, walk through it and don’t waver in your decision. 

You command the space within a relationship. You set the pace. Sometimes, that requires a little more finesse than we’ve been socialized to provide. No one responds to yelling, withdrawal and denial of affection with positive behavior and willingness to be vulnerable. They respond to it with fear and the need for self-preservation.